The final one...

Tonight was my final BSU as an undergrad student. I know that I can go back next semester and visit, but it won't be the same. The last time singing, the last time being able to hug everyone.

It was harder than I thought it would be. I made it through, but it was a struggle. BSU has been a part of me since the day I moved in. I went down that very first night and helped bake cookies, and met people that I'm still friends with today.

It's hard when you realize that you will soon not have something in your life in the same way anymore. I'm facing that with a lot of things right now, and it's tough. I'm losing a major social role (student), I'm losing physical closeness with friends, I'm losing the home I grew up in.

All these changes are for the best. I know that. But it's still hard when everything is changing all at once, and you don't know what to do. I'll get through. I always do. I just wish I knew where I was going after this.

What a month

What a month November has turned out to be. We have a new president-elect. A black man. Regardless of your stance politically, this is a big deal. I don't know if he'll bring the changes he claims. I don't think he'll turn us into a socialist country. And all that is beside the point. He's already brought change. Obama is the man who has proven to us all that color should not matter. (Although I know that's why some voted for him). He's proven that old white men are no longer the only ones who can lead. That's a good thing.

Western played App State today. It started off like a fantastic game. We were winning 10-7 at halftime. At that point, I think the guys went to the locker room and forgot to leave it. The final score: Western 10, App State 35. Seriously. But at least we got on the board. And at least the guys tried in the beginning. I think in the next couple years, the team will really blossom. This was, after all, Coach Wagner's first season.

Sean and I are now in the double digits for the wedding countdown. Every night, I lay in bed and think about the fact that I'm one day closer to falling asleep next to him. (Notice I didn't say in his arms; he's informed me that he won't cuddle when sleeping!) And waking up next to him. And knowing that when something goes on in my life, that he's there to share the joy or pain. I won't have to call him and tell him through the phone or the computer. So much closer to hugging him every day. Kissing him every day. (Ok, I know that we may not spend every single night together of our entire marriage. But I'm imagining right now, thanks).

Mainly, I'm just ready to start my life with him. I know I sound like a broken record, because I say that every time, but it's because it's true. He's my best friend. The one I can tell anything to. The one who knows how I feel, just by looking at me. The one who wants to raise a family with me. The one who tells me he's looking forward to a lifetime together.

I'm so grateful to have found a man like that. One who understands that being engaged isn't just something you do. He's told me repeatedly that he saw proposing as a step toward forever, and he wanted that forever to come soon. It's so amazing to be loved by a man who wants to move up the wedding, just because he doesn't want to not be together any longer than he has to. To be loved by a man who wants a family. To be loved by a man who knows what he wants.

My goodness; I don't know how I got so lucky on my first try. I can't even express how lucky I am that I have only given my heart to one man, and it's Sean. I saw so many friends fall in "love" with people in high school and college, then get their hearts broken. I'm so thankful that God guarded my heart for 18.5 years, until the time was right for Sean and I to fall in love. I'm so thankful that He placed in my life the perfect man for me.



Anyway, there's my spiel for another long duty night. I like how it started out about random stuff, but my thoughts always go back to Sean. Welcome to my head. Is it February 28th yet?

snow

Here's a new little something I did! It's an old picture, from freshman year, but I still like it.

I'll have a new post up soon! Promise!

Random whatever

I hate office duty. I especially hate weekend office duty. I get so bored sitting down here for six hours, with nothing to do. And on a Saturday night, there's no one around to come visit and talk. Instead, I sit. And sit. And sit.

Tonight, Sean was here for the first hour or so. That helped. It at least gave me someone to talk to for a little while. And then I did some research after he left. I was watching tv too, but a resident came and changed the channel. I feel bad for him, so I didn't say anything.

And I've played on GIMP some. Is that so surprising? I downloaded a script that automatically adjusts color so that pictures are saturated like they would be if I had taken them with a film camera. I'll post an example at the end of this. But I'm not sure how I feel about it with people. I never knew how dark the circles under my eyes were. It's pretty crazy.

Before:

After:

I'm so tired. I catnapped a couple times today, but not enough to really make a difference. Sean woke me up way too early considering how late I was up last night. I mean really. It wouldn't have been so bad except that he started watching cartoons.

Have I mentioned lately just how much I love him? He really is my best friend. I had so much fun today just goofing off with him. It was nice to just walk around and joke and play around and laugh. I needed to laugh. I still need to laugh.

I need to quit worrying so much about the future. I need to do job applications, but I need to not let it get to me. Because it really is. God will take care of me. I just have to remember that.

Weather forcast for tonight/tomorrow

Snow. Seriously. It's OCTOBER. I'm not ready.






And yes, that was three posts tonight.

random pictures

I've been having way too much fun editing pictures here lately. Here are just a few of the newer ones. Seriously, I should be doing homework instead of GIMPing.

4 months...

We've hit the four month mark. It's hard. Not the planning. Not the thinking about what's happening after graduation and such. No, it's hard knowing that the man I'm going to spend forever with is an hour away, living with someone else right now, and just getting to experience life without me.

For instance, carving pumpkins. That sounds really lame, but he had never done it before. And as much as I wanted to be there for it, he did it with Jenn, and another girl from the nursing program. Little things get to me. I want to be the one that watches movies with him at night. I want to be the one that he grocery shops with. She's getting to experience the things that I want to be there for. And even though it's only four more months of it (really only 2 if I find a job in Asheville, because then we can hang out), that's longer than I want it to be.

This wasn't supposed to be such a blah post, but that's how I feel about it all right now. I just want to be experiencing life with my best friend, not having to talk about it every night on the phone.

At least I'm not crying about it today.

I did it!

I ran my first 5k on Saturday. That's 3.1 miles! And I did it in 31 minutes and 43 seconds! Even though it was a challenge, it was an absolutely wonderful feeling to cross that finish line and know that I had done it.

I love running. Like, seriously really love it. I feel better after I do it, and my body is all around happier. I can tell that I'm in much better shape than I was at the beginning of summer. I have more confidence in myself. I'm happier.

If you had told me even this time last year that I would be a runner, I would have laughed. Hard. But now that I've been doing it, and have run a race, I'm hooked. I can feel the improvements every day. I can see how much faster I'm getting. I'm good at it.

I needed something I could do that would be active, and that I would enjoy. I've found it. And it's making me a better person.




And of course, here are some pictures; they may be posted again later after I play with them some.


Pre-race. Daddy was making fun of me for my cheesy face, so this is what we ended up with. I didn't realize how much weight I had lost (or at least inches) until I saw this one.

Crossing the finish line.


This was after we had finished. You can't tell, but I was struggling to move my right arm. I got a stitch in my chest, and the pain had radiated up through my shoulder.

My best friend

Just stuff

School is going.
Wedding plans are going.
The job hunt is going.

I'm just tired. So tired. This is by far the most intensive semester I've had in college. It just sucks that it had to be my last semester. Especially one in which I've got so much other stuff going on.

I also feel really bad, because I've hit a pretty serious wall about wanting to do stuff. I'm so sick and tired of listening to crap from people. I'm not kidding. I'm really afraid that one day I'm just going to snap. I'm going to all of a sudden start telling people what I think. And they aren't going to like it. At all. It won't be pretty.

For instance, I have a resident that keeps talking about how everyone seems so happy but he's miserable. I feel sorry for the kid. Really. But I can only take that for so long. Too much more of it and he's going to get an earful. Seriously, does he think everyone is happy all the time? Because I'm sure not. That's just ignorance. And I can only deal with ignorance for so long.

On top of that, I just find that I'm really unmotivated. I do my work, and I do it well, but I don't go above and beyond. I can't. I've given so much of myself to so many different things over the last three years that I'm out. I can't give extra right now.

I know that once I graduate, I'll be sad that I'm done. But right now, I just want to finish. I want to be in the same town as Sean. I want to be finalizing our wedding plans. I want to be working. Working somewhere where I can make a difference. I want to live in a house and not a box. I want to sleep in a big bed. I want a bath tub. I want a pet.

I want to grow up! (But not really)





Oh, and here's a picture I made the other day. Because of it, I changed the colors for the wedding. They're now black and white with pale green accents.

SEAN SURPRISED ME!! THE WHOLE TIME HE WAS TEXTING ME THIS AFTERNOON SAYING HE HAD TOO MUCH READING TO DO, HE WAS ON HIS WAY HERE!!!!


(he's with the guys right now; I get him back soon!)

Very much blah

I'm not sure what's going on with me. I'm very blah feeling. I know it would get better if I went for a run or something, but I'm not really feeling that either. I'm just down. Maybe it's because it's almost 4 o'clock, and I'm still sitting in my room. I've not made any effort to get ready today or anything.

I have no motivation. An outline that should have taken an hour or so took nearly three. I just can't seem to get focused on anything. Weekends are hard. This is the first one where I haven't seen Sean at all, and I think that may be part of the problem.

I've just got to push through a few more months. Graduation is December 13th. That's not that far away. I can do this. I can.

Just another night on duty

Uggh...one thing I'm really looking forward to when I graduate is not having weekend duty anymore. I want to be able to go to bed when I'm ready, and not have to worry about getting a phone call in the middle of the night about random crap that's happening.

And yet, I love this job. I love the people that I work with. I love the people that I've met. I love the adrenaline rush I get when I have to handle a situation. I love knowing that I can handle it, and I love that I have back up I can call when I can't.

This has been a stressful week. I've been trying to stay on top of school work, I'm constantly thinking about the wedding and how much still needs to be done, and trying to balance out work and school and friends. I know that I'm just trying to do too much. And yet, I feel that if I had less to do, I would be totally bored.

Much of the problem is that it's just killing me to be so far away from Sean. I could get so much more accomplished if I could just stop daydreaming about him all the time. If we could meet for lunch, I wouldn't be as apt to just sit and mope about how much I miss him.

And it's oh so much. We were talking last night, and I was telling him how lucky I feel to have found forever on the first try. I can honestly say that he's my best friend. There are things that I've trusted him with that no one else will ever know. We've been through some rough times, but we always come out stronger. That sounds really cliched, but it's 100% true.

He has my heart. I'm so excited that in 5.5 months, I'll be Liz Snyder. I'm one lucky girl.




Oh, and here's what I learned to do this week. They aren't quite perfect, but I would say they're pretty close. I'm really lovin' Gimp.

Big news!

So, remember that totally cryptic entry from July? Well, I'm ready to reveal what it was about now.

Sean and I have decided to move the wedding up to February 28, 2009. That's five months, three weeks, and three days from right now. We went to bed on Saturday night with 321 days left, and woke up with 180 left. That was one nice sleep. :)

Now the fun stuff begins. We're trying to get everything figured out that we want, so that we can have this thing and finally be MARRIED! Oh man, I'm so super excited about it. When it was scheduled for July, we were both like "ehhh." Now though, we're ready!

As plans get more and more pulled together, I'll be sure to post things here. All in all though, I don't really care about all the little details! I'm marrying my best friend...that's the ONLY thing that really matters!


Oh, and here's a picture I did. I've been playing around with some photo editing, just in case you couldn't tell!

Back to the swing of things...

Classes have begun again. It's going to be a long semester; I can already feel it. It's not that I have super hard classes or anything, they're just all super intensive work-wise. Luckily, I like to do work.

Running is going superbly. I did just over 2 miles this morning without stopping at all. It's hard to believe that at the beginning of June, so less than 3 months ago, I was struggling to get a full mile. And it's so cool to see how much better I feel now that I get up and do something in the mornings. I mean, it's 8:30 and I've already ran and took a shower. Now I just have to make it through 3 classes, get new tires for my car (maybe today?), and go to BSU tonight.

It's going to be a good semester. IIt has to be; it's the last one!!

I should be in bed right now...

...since I'm facing a 22 hour day tomorrow. And that's just working. I have to be in the lobby to set up at 6:30 am, and I get off at 2 am. Granted, I won't be in the lobby the whole time, but I'll still be up doing stuff. I'm really hoping to sneak a nap in at some point, because otherwise I won't be functional on Saturday. And I'm most definitely NOT going for a run tomorrow. Saturday, maybe. Actually, definitely. Tomorrow, no way.

Anyway, this post is really about my new life quote. For some background (just in case anyone actually reads this stuff), the football team at Western has been notoriously bad for some time. The team has very low morale, as a result. In December, we got a new head coach, and subsequently an all-new coaching staff. They've taken the team from 83 members to 65. This is because of my quote.

Dennis Wagner, the head coach, spoke at the campus leaders' dinner last night. He told us that many of those that are no longer on the team said that they couldn't do something. He then said:

We don't say "I CAN'T". We say "I CHOOSE NOT TO."

I've decided to live by this from now on. I can do anything that I set my mind to. Obviously, if I physically can't do it, then I just have something to work towards. I'm guilty of choosing not to do things. All the time. But I'm working on it. I'm choosing to try new things. To push myself to new limits. To better myself.


And in other news, I'm over halfway to my August goals for miles running/walking. And this time, more of it is being run than walked!

Taking a break

...from unpacking, and from work stuff. I'm so tired of being at school. Only one more semester. I really just want to get a job, get a place to live, and get married. Not necessarily in that order.

I don't really have anything to talk about. I've been kind of down about the fact that I don't get to see Sean for a few more weeks, but I might see what he's doing on Sunday, and go visit him. There's no way I'm going to make it until who knows when. It'll just be tough, because Ryan's coming in for the weekend, so they may already have plans.

I just watched a commercial on how to decorate a dorm room. It was crap. No room is that big, and students don't typically get a private room without paying a premium. And what student is going to bring in all new furniture and stuff? Obviously the writers are out of touch with college life.

I'm starting a new afghan soon. I really should try to finish the one I started crocheting, but I'm not motivated to work on it. I'm planning to knit one that's going to be amazing. It's super soft yarn, and will look really good as a throw over a couch. I'm excited about it.

Sean and I are still talking about stuff, but I'm hoping we'll have a decision made soon. That's part of why I want to talk to him in person. But who knows what will happen. I'll post more about it when we decide for sure.

That's it for now. Bye!

Back to school. Not that I ever really left, but they did make me go home for a couple days. It's going to be a good semester. It has to be. It's the last one.

I'm at such an odd spot right now in life. I feel like I should already have a job lined up, or at least have applications out. Unfortunately, I need to wait, because it's 4 months until I can officially start. But Dr. Briggs has contacts, and she's told me she would be willing to make some calls on my behalf. That helps.

Sean and I are still trying to decide what we want to do about the wedding. The job thing is really holding me back with plans, because things may change. But thats all I really want to say about that. We still have some things to talk about, and a couple people to talk to, before we finalize anything.

I've got to find a place to live starting the end of December or beginning of January, but until Sean and I figure out everything, then I can't really do that either. I'm just trapped in a place of limbo right now. It's killing me.

It's tough. I just need to figure this all out, somehow. I've no doubt that we'll be alright. I just want to be able to see into the future, so I would know what we decide to do. I'm so confused all the time.

Have I managed to confuse you yet?

just thoughts

So, that last post was 100% random. Suffice to say, all that it was about is a non-issue now, so I'm not even worrying about it. Things still might change, but as of right now, they won't.

Sean and I are now less than a year away from forever (364 days!). I've decided I like saying it like that, versus just saying that the wedding is in a year. Because in my mind, it's not about the ceremony. It's about the commitment we make to stand beside each other 'til death do us part.

It's the last week of summer school. I'll get 3 days at home before I have to come back. I'm excited about it ending, but I'm also sad. It's been great getting to see Sean every day. It's going to be really hard when he's in Asheville next year.

I'm still worried about finding a job. I plan to talk to some of my profs at the beginning of the semester and see what they recommend. I'm not even sure when I need to start applying for them.

The end.

So much to think about...

I've got so much going through my head right now. I really just don't know what to do. Am I ready? Is it feasible? Can I handle all the extra stress that comes with it? How would we afford it? Housing. Insurance. Cars. What would the deal with time be? I really just have no idea. I'm being vague. Welcome to my head. I know what I'm talking about. I'm just not comfortable putting it out there in internet world where people may stumble across it yet. I don't know what to do. I want it. I really do. With everything I have. But there's a rational side of me saying the timing could be better. But is that because the timing is different than what I expect? Is it because I'm just nervous? I don't know. What's the best way to solve it? And I need a job. I really worry if I don't have one. I want to know that I can support me. Us. I want to start with the least amount of stress possible. I want to have time to relax, to breathe. I don't want to rush things. I want to have family support. But I want what you want. I want us. I want peace about it. I wonder if my apprehension is only because it's not what was planned. If it's because it's not what I had pictured. I really just don't know what to do.

And in all honesty, I think my head might just explode because I'm thinking so hard about it. I need to escape. I need to curl up in a little ball and just think about what we're doing. If it's right. If it's time.

Because my heart says I'm ready. My head says I'm not. Which one am I supposed to listen to?

Too much to think about. Way too much.

Kind of down

This is more of a vent/complaining type of entry, so be warned. Ok, good.

So, today is check-out/check-in for summer school. We're right between sessions, so it's been pretty crazy. I've been working since 8:45 this morning, and my lunch break was down the hall. I cooked it so I wouldn't have to leave the building. The guys are both busy with internships and stuff during the day, so they've not been here. The other girl I work with didn't get here until between 12:30 and 1, because she had an exam. Which is fine, I totally understand that. Until she peaced out at 5:20, because she was going to eat with her friends. Fine. I don't need to eat. I don't need a break. I'm fine sitting down here all by myself while she goes out and has fun. No big. Right.

I'm exhausted. I'm seriously tired to the point of wanting to go sit and cry. I just want the chance to relax, and not have to sit down here and be all of our jobs. Somehow, I got shafted. But I'm not surprised. I'm pretty sure that she has pretty much no work ethic. I know mine is not where it should be sometimes, but I at least try. And I really try to be considerate of others. That's what bothers me the most. It just doesn't matter to her that I have to sit down here and do her job too. That really just bugs me.

I really don't have anything to say...

...but I'm putting off doing some homework or cleaning my room. Sean had to actually go to class today, so I'm just hanging out until he gets done and we go get some lunch.

So instead of writing about nothing, here's a picture of mom on an elephant statue from our trip to the zoo!

Being at school during the summer is tough. It's super hard to stay motivated to do anything when it's pretty outside, and when you really just want to take a break. Instead, I've been spending most of my time locked up in my room, in the filtered air. I've even started keeping the shades closed so that I can't see outside. It's been a bad summer for my skin. I got all my breakouts under control, and then it flared again. But this time, one of the worst spots was on my eyelid. Do you know how hard it is to go out in public when your eyelid is swollen, red, and itchy? And then the flaking came.

Anyway, that was gross. New subject. Sean and I have started running together. Even if we aren't talking while we do it, it feels good to have that time with him, and to know that we're helping ourselves just as much while we do it. But I have a problem. I hit a mental block at right at a mile every time. I know that's the problem, because my legs don't hurt, I'm not really breathing all that hard. I just shut down. So for the next week, my goal is to just get over this hurdle. And get new shoes when I go home. Mine are not so good, and it's causing me some pain. Great.

Jesus is coming...in a MINIVAN!

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. I just got off the phone with one of the girls from Western that's working at camp; campers come tomorrow for the first time. It was hard talking to her. Hearing about what they've been doing, about the people she's met, about her fears. I've been there. I want to be there. I know that I'm where God wants me this summer, and I know that He has a plan for me, but sometimes I just can't understand why I couldn't go back.

And most of the time, I'm ok. I think about it, and I smile. But talking to Lauren and thinking about it and the people and the campers and the Chapel and everything that just means so much to me hit again. I love camp. I always will. People really can't understand what I mean when I talk about it, because they haven't experienced it. Even I don't have the words to explain it.

I remember back when Sean and I had first started dating, and he was asking me why I worked there. I can't remember what I told him. But I'm sure it was something like this: "Camp is a place where I know I'm with God. I can see Him there in the smiles and tears, laughter and prayers, games and songs, mealtimes and worship. It's a place where I was meant to serve, where I feel most comfortable. It's like going home. It's about being surrounded by girls that understand me. It's about some friendships I made way back in 2004 that will last a lifetime."

And it's over for me. I mean, I may go back as a missionary sometime if God calls me to serve somewhere first, but I know that I'm done going as a staffer. It was a great four years. I just can't believe that it's over. A door has closed in my life. I just have to make sure that I don't get so focused on the shut door that I stop looking at the open window right next to it.

1:30am

It's 1:30 in the morning, and I can't sleep. Seriously. I took a 30 minute nap, but that shouldn't have done this to me. I blame it on the cookie and milk. I've really been trying to get my body out of this habit of snacking at night, but this cookie was equal to probably 4 normal ones. Sean, Ryan, and I ate a roll of cookies by ourselves. I had a quarter of it. So I think I'm just on a sugar rush.

Problem is, I'm getting up in the morning to run. I went once this week. I should have gone more, but I really think my legs aren't used to the hills yet. That sounds stupid, but I've got the pain in my shins that I get at the beginning of every semester, or every camp season. It just takes my body some time to get readjusted to the movement and the angles. But I'm going in the morning for sure. I need the de-stress time. I've realized that when I run, I really don't think much about anything. And the other day, I really wanted to stop and walk, but I didn't let myself. I know that I can run a mile easy, and can do more if I push. So wanting to walk for a minute just wasn't going to cut it. I have to psych myself up.

I did 5 push-ups tonight. That sounds like such a measly number, but it's a big deal for me. They weren't modified. In January, I couldn't do any. At all. Modified or not. And I've not been very diligent about practicing them. But I'm trying. Even if I don't go to a police academy, or BLET, at least I know that I'll be more fit. Something has finally clicked in me that I can't get by like this anymore. It's fine now, but it will lead to a lot of problems for me down the road if I don't get off my butt and get in shape.

So I guess I'm going to try to go to bed now. After I try for 5 more. What can I say? I think I've finally got the fitness bug. Now I just have to keep myself motivated.

zoo

This is my favorite picture from when we went to the zoo a few weeks ago. If you look closely at Sean's shoulder, you can see a little blue fish. I love the effect of his reflection on the picture.

I totally should be straightening up my room right now. The floor is fine, but there are water bottles sitting on everything. Sean's been hanging out down here a lot since my room is larger and cooler than his, so I'm producing twice the trash that I'm used to having.

I've really loved spending this last week with him and just being around him. Honestly, we need this summer. We need all this time before he moves to Asheville and sales his soul back to the nursing program for the last year (well, until he's starts grad school). And I kick it into high gear with the whole, "let's finish school and find a job and find a place to live and oh crap I'm a grown-up now" part of life. In all seriousness, it's just nice to be able to relax with him. To eat every meal together and talk and plan and just be. There's no stress right now. This is probably the only time life will ever be like that, so I'm taking advantage of it.

In other news, John graduates tomorrow. Really. I feel old. I know I'm not that much older than him, but it doesn't seem like my (not so) little brother should be getting ready to go to college. For that matter, it doesn't seem like I should be graduating. And yet, I'm ready. I'm ready for life, and for being settled somewhere and not living in a cubicle and out of boxes.

Finally, nothing new with the wedding plans. Frankly, I just want to enjoy myself right now. I did decide to keep looking for the perfect dress. And try somewhere else, just to get a feel for what all is out there. But I'll kick it into high gear soon. I promise. Just not yet. I'm just enjoying this whole relaxing thing for a little bit longer.

Getting back on track...

...literally.

I've been slacking off on the whole running thing. It's just so hard to convince myself that I should get up off my butt and just do it. And the sad thing is, it's really not all that hard for me to do. And I enjoy it while I'm doing it. And the awake feeling I have after I get done. I just lack motivation.

But this morning, I got up and did a mile. I know, I know, it's not very impressive. And I'm sure I could have done another one. But I was pleased that I got up and did it. And I feel pretty good now. I need to go do a little more re-hydrating, but other than that, I'm good. Plus, I won't feel bad about going out to lunch now, since I've been active.

That's one of the hardest things about being at home. I just want to sit on my butt and do nothing. Granted, Saturday I did walk about five miles at the zoo, but it wasn't a hard walk or anything. More like a stroll. But I feel better when I'm active, and not just laying around.

So that's my goal. If I can just hold onto this feeling, I'll be in good shape. It's just a hard one to hold onto. It's not the easy thing to do, this being active. It doesn't come naturally to me. I've been socialized to be the artsy person, not the runner. But I'm changing. Or at least I'm trying. Now, I just have to do it again tomorrow.

Crazy week

It's been a crazy week. I went to Sean's house Sunday night, and spent most of Monday there. I'm finally comfortable enough to eat there. For me, that's a big thing. It only took me two years to get to that point. It didn't matter how many times they told me to make myself at home, I just feel weird eating other people's food. But now, it's more like I'm part of the family. Plus, it's different if Sean and I cook it there. Then I've made it.

Tuesday was a nothing day. Actually, I take that back. It was a pretty important day. I met with Johnny and got the church reserved for the wedding. I know, I know. It's over a year away. But that was one thing that I could go ahead and do, and I wanted to get it done while I'm at home. Because after next Thursday, I'll just come in for a few days here and there. So that's taken care of.

Wednesday was my big day. I went to the allergist. It turns out I'm pretty allergic to all types of grass, most trees, and some weeds. But not to dogs or cats, so that's good. Unfortunately, this means that I pretty much can't open windows except in the dead of winter. And the doctor recommended that I start shots. But I don't know if I will or not, although I guess now would be the best time if I decide to. I have more time to go get them twice a week for the first couple months while I'm still at school. I won't have that leeway to leave work after I graduate. Well, unless I use my lunch break.

So, after that, I went and tried on dresses!!! I'm pretty excited about that. The one that I absolutely loved online, I loved just as much when I had it on. Of course, mom and dad liked a different one, and liked the aspect of it that I didn't like. So I have to look through the pictures that we took of me in them and decide what I like, or if I want to try on some others. There was one that is a very pretty dress, but it just didn't quite lay right when I had it on. Something about it was not cool. It was not the dress for me. But I really did like the other two. I got time though. That's what I keep telling myself. I don't have to make a decision right this second. Though it's one step I would like to get out of the way this summer.

And then today. I got my hair cut, my eye brows waxed (finally), went shopping, ate lunch with dad, and then helped with some yard work. We hauled a bunch of brush to the brush pile. And by a bunch, I mean 3 truck loads. Now I'm waiting on my antihistamine to kick in. That thing about the allergies--yeah, I was just exposed to it all.

Pictures from the zoo coming up next! We're going on Saturday, so I'm hoping to get some good ones. I want to see the lions!!!

10 trash bags later...

...and I think I'm finally done cleaning stuff out. Of course, now I have to organize everything that I kept, and hopefully I can get rid of a little more. I seriously found things from sophomore year of high school. Yeah, a long time ago.

Anyway, I feel so much better now that I've gotten some stuff out of here. Not only is everything less cluttered, but I know where stuff is, and I know what things I should keep and really like to have around. I still have some things on the walls that I want to take down, like a poster of a unicorn that has been around since elementary school. But painting is next on the agenda. I'm hoping to get started on that Tuesday. If I can get everything primed then, I can paint on Thursday. Then everything should be done.

In other news, I'm going to start looking for wedding dresses on Wednesday. I have to go to Winston to the allergist, so we're just going to make a day of it. I've found one that I absolutely love online, but I need to make sure it looks good on me. I do know for sure (well, 99%) that I want something strapless. That's the style that I'm most comfortable with, and that looks best on me. That, and Sean doesn't want me to wear anything super v-necked (is that even a word?), because, in his words, "I'm not waiting 3.5 years to see them, only to have everyone else see them at the same time." I can't say that I blame him.

So overall, this week at home has been pretty productive. I've gotten a lot of stuff accomplished, and I'm really starting to look to the future. Not that I haven't been in, but now it's starting to seem real. This is real. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. How cool is that??

I'm home!

Well, I made it home for a few weeks. I've got right at 2 and a half weeks to hang out. Unfortunately, it looks like most of that time will be spent purging. Somehow, I've managed to accumulate a lot of stuff over the years. I mean, a LOT of stuff. I've got clothes I haven't worn in years, and papers dating back to middle school.

I realized a few weeks ago that, duh, I'm getting married in 14 months. I can't have all this stuff to take with me. I'll be starting a totally new phase of life. Obviously, some things are really important to me and will keep them, but do I really need so much? Do I really need clothes that I'm never going to wear? Do I really need to keep books from middle school? Do I really need to save that random clock I bought, that hasn't worked in years?

No. I know what things I want to keep. All my Cabbage Patch dolls will stay. But they're going into storage boxes that will fit under my bed. They don't need to be on display. I'll keep some books. Gone with the Wind is one that I never want to lose. There are a few clothing items that are sentimental.

But most of this stuff, I don't need. I don't use. I don't really even want. Really. I just need the basics. I don't even live here really. If it's not something that I use at school, then I don't need it here. And then there is all the stuff that I don't really use at school, but that I have there. I need to go through those boxes of things too, before I head back.

So it's going to be a busy couple of weeks. And hopefully, when I get done, I'll be in a much better place, stuff-wise. If it isn't something that I want to take with me when I get married, then I don't need it at all.

Of course, this is all a lot easier said than done. :)

One more done...

It's hard to believe that another semester has come and gone. Overall, I've done pretty well. Still waiting on one grade to come in, but it looks like a 4.0 semester! That's so exciting for me. I'm still having to work to get my GPA back to where I want it to be after that corrections and spanish 302 fiasco that brought it down and kept me off dean's list last spring. But it's all good. I've almost got a 3.7 overall right now. I think I can hit it when I get that last one posted.

I'm going to miss a bunch of people. Now that I'm getting older, I know more people graduating. It isn't going to be the same not working with some people, or having others come talk to me in the office. Or having Cameron around. Shoot, he and Jenny are together so much that it's like he practically lives here. But he'll just be in Asheville, so he can come visit.

Also, Sean will be in Asheville for his last year of nursing school. I'm so proud of him for how well he did this semester. It was really touch and go for awhile, just because he was taking 6 more hours than everybody else. But he passed. And he's looking for a place to live. He's pretty amazing. I'm going to miss having him five minutes away though.

But, he'll be up here with me this summer. We're both really looking forward to 10 weeks in the same building. He's already got a list of things for us to do while we're here. Nothing too crazy. But we're going to try and spend some major time together before there's an hour commute and crazy gas prices separating us.

Oh, and we got all my graduation stuff figured out. My internship had fallen through, and was going to leave me six hours short. But we've moved some stuff around and used a SOC class for CJ credit, and now I'm going to only need nine hours this summer, instead of 12. So in the long run, even if I'm not doing my internship, I'll still be coming out on top. And saving nearly $600. Fantastic!

God, why?

God,

I know I shouldn't ask why. I should just trust that all things happen in your time. I should just believe that Lori had accomplished all she had to here on earth. I should rejoice that another one of Your daughters has been called home.

But I can't right now. It's not that I'm angry with you, God. No, it's that I'm mad that I hadn't kept in touch with her. That it had been months since I told her I loved her. I'm upset that she had to die so far away from her parents.

I know she got to see them for Christmas. And I'm so glad she got that chance to go home. She loved Africa so much. And that love will live on through all the people she has touched, that may one day go there. I know she's touched me God. I feel like I'm rambling, but it's just so hard to have coherent thoughts right now.

It just hit me. I know I posted a blog about her a little while ago, but it didn't seem real then. It wasn't until I looked at her myspace page and "Bride" was playing. She did so much God, but there were so many things I know she wanted to do. Yet, I can't be mad, because she is now eternally YOUR bride. She's dancing and singing and in Your presence. I just don't understand.

She wanted to make a difference. I know she did, because she touched me, and so many other people I know, but God, she wanted to work with kids, with families. And I'm finding it hard to understand why, in the last few weeks, I've felt like that was what I should be doing. Is it that you mean for me to pick up where she left off? Because I don't have the spirit that she had. She knew how to love like Jesus. I'm still struggling with that.

But God, I think about a line in Kelly's song: "Only God fully knows, all that we can be. ALL THAT WE CAN BE." God, thank You for letting Lori be all that she could be. For the impact she had on my life. For the chance to see her love, and to be loved by her. For the chance to love her. And for helping me to be all that I can be.

God, please protect her family while they try to get here. I can't imagine what it must be like for her parents, to be in Africa and trying to come home. Or for her sisters. Her neices and nephews. Her extended family. Her friends at school. Help them to remember that, while we don't understand why, that You do. And that she's with You right now. Praising you for eternity.

I loved her God, and I always will.

Amen.

Lori Morrison

Lori Morrison died today. While that might not mean much to anyone else, it does to me. She was an amazing person, with an amazing heart.

I had the opportunity to work with Lori and Camp Mundo Vista the summer of 2006. I'll never forget her hugs, and hearing her say "I love you." Without fail, she could brighten my day. I regret that I did not keep in touch with her as well as I should have.

The following is an excerpt from her "About Me" section on facebook. I give her full credit for writing this.

I have had my struggles in the past year and I continue to, but I claim peace and joy in the name of Jesus! I ask this of Him! Day to day can be a battle within my heart but Jesus is the Victor! May I never ever forget that! I have my doubts and questions, but I realize now I am only human. I am waiting for the Lord to show me direction for my next step in life that will lead me and allow me to use my hands and feet to serve. I am NOTHING, but I am trying to trust that God will use this NOTHING of a girl. God is trying to teach me many lessons...though I often ignore:
1) Christ is the possible in the impossible situation
2) Patience is beautiful and waiting is not something to be ashamed of
3) My body is a temple...
4) Obedience is everything
5) I will be disciplined, because God disciplines those He loves just as a Father disciplines His son that he loves
6) Satan knows my weaknesses and delights in my downfalls
7) Never allow Satan the chance to delight in my misery
8) NOTHING in this world does satisfy, thus why the need for Jesus in every midst and part of my life..
9) I have no answers...

Lori was an amazing person, and she will be missed.

Camp

Tonight at BSU, we had a commissioning service for the people doing Summer Missions through BSCNC. I got a little teary, but nothing too major. It made me think back to the last four summers, and how much I had learned.

But then we split up into small groups to pray for each of them. I started praying for Nick Clanton, got out one sentence, and totally lost it. Sobbing and everything. It finally hit me that for the first time since high school, I won't be going back. I won't get to spend my summer sleeping on a plastic mattress, and singing mindless songs, and waking up at the crack of dawn and being fake happy until after breakfast. I won't be surrounded by amazing women of God. I won't get to worship with over 200 girls and women every night. I won't get the chance to see lives changed on the mountain.

And that's so hard for me to realize. But in all honesty, I think camp had become my comfort zone. It was no longer a challenge in the literal sense. Sure, things would get tough, but the nerves from my first summer never returned.

Yet, that mountain will always be so dear to me. I've laughed there, cried there. I've met some of my best friends. Those girls know me in ways that no one else ever will. A bond is created when you live with someone, work with someone that closely. I saw one of those girls a few weeks ago. Even though we hadn't seen each other in over a year, it was like nothing had changed. We were different, but we were still the same, because we had that bond.

I miss that. I miss breathing God. I miss the fact that I was surrounded by people I could trust with anything. I miss having a bad day and having so many girls come up and hug me and pray for me. I miss campers. I miss the laughter. I miss the paths. I miss my sanctuary.

I just miss it. The people I've met, the things I've done there, have changed my life forever.

Stupid People

I really don't understand why people are so stupid. Last night was one of the worst that I've had to deal with as an RA. Actually, it was many of the same people I've dealt with before, it just seemed to escalate. It all started with Bryant coming to get me to tell me there was vomit on the outside stairs. And of course, there's no clean-up box, so I got to do it with water and disinfectant. Then we sprayed down what we think was a beer spill in the stairwell, and then went to break up a party. Only when they realized it was us, they pretended like no one was there. So we called the cops.

Suffice to say, we found over 10 underage people, and a 14 year old whose parents got a phone call at midnight to come get him. Once that was over, we dealt with some beer poured up and down one hall, torn up bulletin boards, and feces in the stairwell. Yeah, all done by the same people.

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that they would do stuff like that. I would never bring a kid to a party, even if it was my younger brother. I would never refuse a breathalyzer if I hadn't had anything to drink, unless I was lying. I would never cuss at the cops and an RA. It's like respect isn't a part of these people. And frankly, I don't know why anyone would. They didn't help their cases at all by doing that stuff. And then to continue wreaking havoc? Seriously, that was just dumb. Especially because we have witnesses that saw them and described them to us.

I guess the issue is that I was raised better than that. And one would think that people would be more mature since they are in college. But no. Or at least that they would realize that you can't pretend that the room is empty is someone has already cracked the door open. We're not stupid.

All in all, I'm just thankful for showers. That was WAY TOO MUCH crap (no pun intended) for me to deal with, and I felt nasty by the time I finally got done with it all.

back at school

I spent the weekend at Sean's house. It was so nice to get away from campus, and to just totally veg out. I hung out with his parents, and we played with his cousin, and baked, and watched movies, and just overall did nothing even remotely related to school. We didn't really even talk about it. It was absolutely fantastic.

I'm so blessed to be with a man who has great parents. So many of my friends have future in-laws that really don't like them, or at least aren't that friendly acting towards them. I couldn't imagine being in a situation like that. I don't know if I could handle having someone that would cut me down all the time, or just not accept me for who I am. I'm not only getting a great husband, but great new family too!

Yeah, I really just did this...

63 words

Speedtest

Give it a try...it just shows random words that are supposedly the most popular in the English language. So it's not like you have to type full sentences or anything.

nothing really to say.

I really don't have much to say. I've got some stuff going on in my head, but I'm not really ready to put it out there in the Internet world until I decide what I want to do with it. Suffice to say, I talked to one of my professors about it, and all the stuff that I have on my plate, and she's helping talk me through it, and telling me to learn to say no. Which I'm working on.

As I sit watching the news tonight, it saddens me that we only hear about the bad things, or about the odd happenings. I don't really care that ball players from Wofford got arrested because they started a brawl when they couldn't get into a frat party. It's just weird that a woman was flashed by a man while she waited for her kid to get off the school bus. It was just luck that the bus was late. Or about the fact that a teenager rode in the trunk of a car to make room for a television. Or that a car that had a kid in the backseat got towed.

Seriously, why can't we hear about the positives? Or about things that are real news? I really don't like watching it. All it does is propagate fears in the general public. It makes me think about the comic "Rex Morgan, M.D." In it right now, there has been an outbreak of MRSA in three teenagers, and one has died. The community is up in arms about it. What they don't realize is that many of them have the Staph virus growing in their noses already. When something gets reported by the media, it gets sensationalized, and the public loses the facts.

I just heard that a guy was arrested for having an alligator in the backseat of his car. He found it on the side of the road.


Anyway, that's really all that's going on here. I'm throwing in a picture of Sean and me from Easter. It's really not that great of him, but I like it of me. There's 1 year and 99 days until we get married. I'm excited!

And here's one of me and John. I can't believe he's going to college this year. It makes me feel old. I still remember his first day of kindergarten.

presentation

I finished writing my Spanish presentation. To just read it, it is running right at 7 minutes. Unfortunately, I can't just read it to the class. No, I have to lecture with only an outline. I might cheat and use some notecards too. I can talk about things for 10 minutes if it's a topic I'm well-versed in. Unfortunately, Spanish police (that is, the police in Spain) is a topic I know very little about. Especially having to say it all in Spanish.

But at least it's written. I can do this. I have most of tonight, other than a staff meeting. And once it's done, this class will get so much easier. I can write a paper and take a test like it's nothing. I'm just not so comfortable in my "habilidad para hablar en Espanol." Meaning, I don't have confidence in my ability to speak the language.

Oh well, it's just once, right?

Short and Sweet

I don't like studying.


or presentations where I don't get to use notecards or powerpoint. Especially if it's in Spanish.



Yeah, good week here. I've just got to make it to Friday.

almost 2 am

Yeah, it's almost 2. I gave up laying in bed; sleep just isn't happening right now. I've had this problem every night this week. I go to bed, lay down, and.............nothing happens. This is a new problem for me. I can't remember ever not being able to go to sleep every night for a week. One night, sure, but never this many. So, what's a girl to do?

Update her blog of course!

There's really nothing going on in my world. It's been a fairly easy week, class-wise. It's been hard going from spending everyday of Easter Break with Sean to only seeing him for a few minutes sometimes. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through next year when he's in Asheville. Especially with gas prices going through the roof. I mean seriously. I hope they keep me as an RA. Otherwise, we'll never see each other. There's no way I could afford the drive down there.

Wedding plans are going, well, nowhere. I have lots and lots of ideas running around in my head, but I'm trying to wait until this summer when I have three weeks off to really get my teeth sunk into it. But I've got ideas about what kind of dress I want, and decorations, and colors. But the invite list--that's going to be a nightmare. And I've already started having dreams about it. The other night, I dreamed I got married in the laundry room in my residence hall, and walked down the "aisle" to Hell's Bells. Weird, right? It's no wonder I can't sleep now.

Work is finally starting on the grant project. I'll be calling people to set up phone interviews starting hopefully on Monday. It's so cool to be able to work on this with Drs. Brown, Briggs, and Mason. I'm really starting to look forward to this summer. Not only is this going to look awesome on my resume, but it's also giving me a chance to build relationships with PhDs. Not every college student can say that they've worked that closely with faculty. Especially in Applied Criminology and Emergency Management. They aren't fields that are very heavy on collaborated research. And even if people never even know that I helped, the experience is beneficial. Plus, it will give me a different perspective on issues that I'll deal with in the field later.

There really isn't anything else going on. I have a song from BSU tonight still running through my head, but I'm sure it will go away eventually. I love songs with catchy rhythms, but this one has been playing over and over since we sang it at 7:45. So I'm ready for it to go. It's only got about eight lines in the whole song, so it's getting annoying. And I can only hear the harmony part. It's not very nice anymore.

Well, I guess I'll try this bed thing again. Maybe this time, I'll fall asleep. The worst thing is, I'm on duty this weekend, so my sleep schedule will stay messed up. And I've not even been taking naps! Maybe that's the problem.

Oh, and I've got a new picture of me and Sean that we took at formal, but I'm waiting to post it. Daddy and Granny both took some at Easter, so I was going to post them all at the same time. And maybe one of me and Claire. Delaney didn't want to be in a picture with us.

Seriously????

Yeah...this is crazy ...

check it out!

Road to Nowhere

Last night (well, more like this morning), Sean, me, Jenny, Cameron, Travis, and Katie Rath went out to Bryson City to the Road to Nowhere. It's an old road that was started, and then funding ran out, so building it was halted. The beginning of the part that can be walked is a tunnel. We all thought it would be fun to go through it at midnight with no flashlights. While it was drizzling.

The whole idea came about because we were talking about places that were creepy at supper before BSU formal. So we all just decide to go. Of course, we changed first; tunnels+rain+heels=not fun.

Ok, so that's the set-up. We get there, and we all head in. Sean and I linked up arms and went last. Everyone else is talking about how creepy it is, and stuff to that effect. I on the other hand have totally different thoughts.

This tunnel is pitch black. Faintly in the distance one can make out the outline of the end, but barely. Once you get about halfway through, you can no longer see any light from the entrance, and you have no sense of direction. All you can feel is changes in temperature, and the asphalt (or dirt and leaves) under your feet.

As I was walking, trying so hard to remain focused on the light at the end of the tunnel, I had to totally different thoughts. First, I thought about the fact that I was experiencing (temporarily) blindness. I couldn't imagine having sight, and then losing it. To be essentially trapped in a sea of darkness. To know that there were things around you, and not knowing what it was. To be touching a person, but not to even be able to see his/her face. To try so hard to see light, and to not know if it was really there, or if you were just imagining it. People used to ask if I would rather lose my sight or my hearing. I would always say sight, because I love music. But after that experience, I would prefer not to lose either. If God took one away from me, it would be alright, and I would learn to live with it, but I could never choose to lose either one.

My second thought revolved around Jesus after his crucifixion. As I fixed my gaze on the light ahead of me, but would turn around and see nothing but a dark abyss, I began to think about what Jesus experienced during his three days in Hell. While I know NOTHING is that terrible, I could only imagine what it felt like to be leaving it. To be able to travel to the light finally, to leave the terrible darkness behind. But I also think about how he felt, knowing that so many people would never be able to travel into that light that was God, because they never knew Him, or would never know Him. And it just made me so thankful that my life will never be in that total darkness, that I'll be in the light for all of eternity. But I also need to be aware of those that are not His followers. Do I want them to dwell forever in the darkness? Of course not. Therefore, I have to go out and tell them about Him.

It's my life!

Let me just start with saying, I can get a job without getting a masters; the field I'm going into doesn't even require a 4-year degree. Mom's cousin Sherry decided to tell me this weekend that I HAD to get my masters right after I finished here, because I would never go back. I will go back. I've got a plan for how I'm going to do this. And that's irrelevant. I'm going to do things the way I need to do them that will be best for me. Right now, it's not going back to school. Just because she did it that way does not mean that I need to. Anyway, after I got tired of her and walked off, she started telling Mom how I was making a mistake and needed to go back. It's MY life. I'm doing it MY way.

Well, since she wasn't able to change my mind about that, she decided to start giving me wedding advice. I have a pretty good idea about what I want at this point, we just haven't started finalizing the details yet. I don't mind people talking about it; I want to talk about it. I don't like when they tell me the ideas I have are going to make it like a "sideshow." That's inappropriate. And I really don't like when they start telling me how much money I'm going to spend on flowers and such. I don't care that they had to spend over $500; I don't plan on it. And I understand that it can add up quickly, but if people would actually listen when I say I want it to be really simple and not full of frill and stuff, they might actually get it. I don't think a wedding should be about the decorations, or the dresses, or the food. It's about the fact that Sean and I are making a commitment to spend forever together. We want people there to celebrate with us, not to come look at fancy decorations that aren't representative of our personalities.

Now, if everyone can just understand that this day is going to be about US, and that the rest of my life will be done in the way that is best for US, then we'll all be good. Otherwise, I'm just going to snap one day and start telling people that I really just want them to butt out.

(And as a disclaimer, I welcome ideas. Just don't shoot down mine, or make it sound like yours is the only way to do it. I promise, if it's something I like, I'll consider it. But tulle and flautists? Those aren't my things. Neither are trumpets and french horns. Simple...I want to keep it simple!)

I'll talk about it now

A few posts back, I mentioned some issues going on within BSU. I'm finally ready to talk about it. The person involved has made it clear what he claims happens, so now I can rant about it.

Here's what happened. A guy who is a supposed recovering alcoholic was a member of BSU. He needed gobs of attention, and many people, especially freshmen, wanted to help him. He's a year-old man. That's awfully funny that he had to hang out with 18 year-olds to feel comfortable. Well, he takes these spells where he posts negative notes on facebook in order to get attention. He tried this stunt over fall break, got lots of comments about how people really loved him, and he was fine.

So, a few weeks ago, he posted another note specifically mentioning names of people he felt were "good" leaders, and thus calling out the ones he felt weren't. No one took the bait this time and commented about it. So he then started cussing people out through AIM, and several of the freshmen became too scared to stay in their rooms. This is the point where Res Living got UPD involved. The next night, he changed his facebook picture to the Zodiac Killer, and then cross-hairs. He was arrested for cyber-stalking, and then even tried to call some of the BSU people he liked to come bail him out.

Now you're caught up on what's going on. Tonight, he posted a new note, and in it talked about how he missed B** people, but how they were in the wrong. He even posted the NC Statute regarding cyber-stalking. I'll include it so you can read it for yourself.

North Carolina

S 14-196.3
Cyberstalking

1. The following definitions apply in this section:
1. Electronic communication. - Any transfer of signs, signals, writing, images, sounds, data, or intelligence of any nature, transmitted in whole or in part by a wire, radio, computer, electromagnetic, photoelectric, or photo-optical system.
2. Electronic mail. - The transmission of information or communication by the use of the Internet, a computer, a facsimile machine, a pager, a cellular telephone, a video recorder, or other electronic means sent to a person identified by a unique address or address number and received by that person.
2. It is unlawful for a person to:
1. Use in electronic mail or electronic communication any words or language threatening to inflict bodily harm to any person or to that person's child, sibling, spouse, or dependent, or physical injury to the property of any person, or for the purpose of extorting money or other things of value from any person.
2. Electronically mail or electronically communicate to another repeatedly, whether or not conversation ensues, for the purpose of abusing, annoying, threatening, terrifying, harassing, or embarrassing any person.
3. Electronically mail or electronically communicate to another and to knowingly make any false statement concerning death, injury, illness, disfigurement, indecent conduct, or criminal conduct of the person electronically mailed or of any member of the person's family or household with the intent to abuse, annoy, threaten, terrify, harass, or embarrass.
4. Knowingly permit an electronic communication device under the person's control to be used for any purpose prohibited by this section.
3. Any offense under this section committed by the use of electronic mail or electronic communication may be deemed to have been committed where the electronic mail or electronic communication was originally sent, originally received in this State, or first viewed by any person in this State.
4. Any person violating the provisions of this section shall be guilty of a Class 2 misdemeanor.
5. This section does not apply to any peaceable, nonviolent, or nonthreatening activity intended to express political views or to provide lawful information to others. This section shall not be construed to impair any constitutionally protected activity, including speech, protest, or assembly. (2000-125, s. 1; 2000-140, s. 91.)

Sorry, I know that's a lot. His argument is that he fell into section 5, regarding constitutionally protecting speech. I would have to disagree, and say that in section 2, it mentions the word "annoying." If he has done nothing else, he has annoyed several people repeatedly.


Of course, there has to be a twist, right? Here it is. The people that were so scared of him, are now wanting to get back into contact with him, and try to help him. That's what Jesus would want. They say that, and he's said that. And I'm not arguing with it. But I also believe that we need to let professionals deal with him right now. This is becoming a cycle that starts in one place, and is slowly snowballing into something much bigger. I'm all for being there for people, but I also believe there's a time to stop trying and protect yourself. He's still angry after a week. I'm really afraid of what will happen if someone contacts him.

So that's the deal with all that. I guess I really just needed to vent. It's been crazy, and I feel like it's just getting started.

On worship

I went to Elkin Valley this morning, for the first time in nearly two months. It was absolutely amazing. I love the new way Justin is leading worship, with integrating the contemporary and the traditional. It's a nice blend. I think it's so easy for people to get caught in a rut, and to experience something a little different is fantastic. And for someone like me, who worships best through music, it was perfect.

I think one of the nicest things for me was the fact that I could stand back, and not have to worry about singing perfectly, or "leading." Don't get me wrong. I love singing at BSU, and I really feel like that is the way God wants me to minister there. But sometimes, it's good to be able to stand back, and experience the words, and think about them, and not have to worry about what is coming next, or in my case, dodging Tyler and his guitar. Anyway, I digress. It was just nice to stand in the back of the church by myself, and sing to God. To know that my heart was totally in it, and that it was real.

Sometimes, worship seems, not really fake, but not true to me. It becomes people going to a service, singing songs, bowing their heads, listening to a message, and leaving. I know I'm guilty of this. It's hard sometimes to be in a worshipful mindset. But I also know that I'm working on it. Of course, I also must remember that worship must not occur in a church setting, but all the time, everywhere. That's a good challenge. And thus, this shall be what I work on. A worshipful attitude, all the time.

spring break

I really don't have much to say other than that I'm SO grateful that I have the next week off from classes. It's alright that I need to write a couple papers, because it will be at home, and not in class. No pressure. That feels great.

The end.

Dealing with stuff

Why do people think they can handle stuff on their own when it's obvious they can't? Why do they feel the need to try and deal with it when it would be best to get the police involved? Why do they not want help from people that know what to do, and instead think they have the solution?

How to you show them that they really don't need to do what they're planning?

Ok, so, I can't really go into details, but I have some friends that really need to stop trying to handle a problem that is bigger than they are. One other guy and myself have seen how big this has gotten. He's gotten Res. Living involved, who has in turn contacted UPD. I've talked to my professor, a former attorney. She talked to a couple other profs and they too recommended going to UPD. The problem is, there are several other people involved that UPD doesn't know about. So I'm trying to decide if I need to contact them and tell them, or have the people contact them.

That's really vague, but until the situation is resolved, I'm not putting it out there on the Internet. Good grief, I'm not that stupid!

public

So, I really like the idea of having a private blog, but then I realized that I don't put anything in here that I wouldn't want ANYONE to read, and if I'm afraid someone might think badly about something I talk about or tell that I've done, it's something I probably shouldn't be doing anyway.

So it's back to public now. Not that it really matters since I haven't really even told anyone the address, but church people could always stumble across it since I've left a comment on the worship blog. Oh well. I mean really. What do I have to talk about now except for wedding plans? Which are going to frustrate me when I really get into them. Oh yes, I can feel the stress coming already.


And in other, random news, Easter candy is out now. I've eaten a bag of SweeTarts jelly beans already. I opened it yesterday. I finished it today. I'm a loser.


And I managed to do one modified pushup. That's better than nothing. Go me.

expensive...

Ok seriously, I have a year and 5 months until I get married. I just want to be dreaming, and thinking about what I want. But no. Apparently you have to start booking people like photographers.

Daddy stopped and talked to a photographer in Sparta yesterday. I've seen their work, and I love their bridal portraits. Which are expensive, but not too bad. For the wedding, it would be around $1900 or $2000. Ok, that's all well and good for people with money like that, but we're not rich. Sure, I will have been working for 6 months or so, but that's still not a lot. Of course, I may just use them for the bridal portraits. They really are amazing.

Anyway, this place has already booked an April and a June wedding for 2009. Tell me if that isn't crazy. How can you book the pictures so early? I'm still not even sure exactly what I want to have. All I can come up with is the color scheme I like this week. Actually, I'm sold on it. And the location and preacher. That has to count for something. But to book stuff this far in advance? I want to figure out what we need, and what will work well for us.

We really just need to sit down with our parents and talk about all this. The question is, when? He'll be in London for Spring Break. Easter is crazy. I guess it'll be in May, worked around graduation schedule stuff for John. Because it needs to be sooner rather than later. Good grief.

Just do it.

As I sit in my room watching some tv because I have free time, I realize that I'm a bored eater. I'm having to fight the urge to get candy or cupcakes or something, even though I'm not hungry in the slightest. It just seems like the thing to do. And I do it all the time. If I'm just sitting around, I want to eat something. I'm currently trying to satiate myself with water, because it's better for me.

My goal is to lose some weight before the wedding. Obviously, I've got plenty of time, and I have police academy, which will also help. But really, the best thing I can do is just stop grazing all day long. And just eat when I'm hungry. That's my goal.

Along those same lines, I really need to work on working out. It's so hard when I don't have anyone specifically holding me accountable. I need to be working on doing pushups, since I can't do even one. I need to be building up endurance for situps. I really need to get back into running. But it's so hard. Especially now, while it's cold. But I have to do it. No more buts. I have an mp3 player. I have clothes. I really just need to buckle down and do it. I need to stop making excuses. I need to quit telling myself I'm going, and then don't. I just need to do it. That's it. Just do it.

A paper I had to write...

As a Criminal Justice and Sociology double major, graduate school is a must for me. I have a love of learning that I could not imagine stifling by stopping my education after college. That being said, I do plan to take a few years off in order to get some job experience. Also, I will be getting married in a little over a year, and thus will be concentrating on living life as a recent college graduate, new police officer, and wife.

Because of my impending marriage, choices for graduate programs will be limited. I will be in less of a position to pack up my life and move to a different city or state for a period of time. More than likely, I will be living in Asheville, so schools located in Western North Carolina are my top choices. I do not mind commuting to somewhere a few times per week, but prefer to be able to live at home throughout the time it takes me to complete the degree.

Economically, price is less a consideration than location is. Because my fiancé is a nursing student, he is essentially guaranteed a job. His plan is to work at Memorial Mission in Asheville for two years, at which point they will pay for him to get his masters and become a nurse anesthetist. When he finishes, he will have to return to Asheville, but will be earning a salary that breaks the six figure mark. At this point, I plan to quit work and go back to school. Because of his salary and our frugal spending habits, we should be able to comfortably handle my going back to school.

As for selecting a school, I am willing to do the work. Even as an under-grad student, I have consistently challenged myself, and will be completing two majors and a minor in three and a half years. Work loads do not scare me. My hardest problem is selecting a program to enter. I have been debating between Criminal Justice, Sociology, and Public Administration with a concentration in Criminal Justice.

Because of all these considerations, I feel that Western Carolina’s M.P.A degree is my best option. This spring, a criminal justice concentration was added, and many of the classes are taught at night in Asheville. I believe that have a masters in Public Affairs will enable me to do much more in my career. While I am still trying to decide between teaching at a community college or working longer in law enforcement after I complete my masters, this will allow me to have more options.

Having classes offered in Asheville will allow me to live at home and still maintain a healthy marital relationship, which was my biggest fear. I do not want to have too much added stress on our relationship while I am working to complete this degree, and being able to take classes that are close to home would really help remedy that. And because gas prices are consistently rising, it would be much more cost-effective for me to live so close to my classes.

Also, because I will already have experience in public service, I will not be required to complete the six credit hour internship. Instead, I will only have to take an additional elective course. The fact that the program only requires 36 hours is also nice. It can easily be completed in three or four semesters, which would be right around two years. This would keep me on track for the life planning my fiancé and I have been doing.

All in all, I believe that Western’s program is the best fit for me, because of the small classes sizes, and especially the location. Until I was proposed to, I never thought about the effect that marriage would have on my life plans. Despite that, I could not imagine doing things in any different order. But just in case something happens, I would be interested in the Criminal Justice masters at Appalachian State University, as well as the Criminal Justice program at East Tennessee State. Both would be very beneficial to me in terms of going on to teach at a community college, but would not be as helpful as Public Affairs should I ever decide that criminal justice is not right for me. At least with Public Affairs, I would have other options to fall back on.

We set a date!

So, I still find it hard to believe that I'm getting married in a year and 5 months or so. It's pretty fantastic. And I'm already trying to make plans!! We decided on July 25th as our date, and we'll have it in Elkin and Johnny will do the ceremony. I can't think of anything cooler than having my "second dad" marry me. The Blevins family is amazing!

Where does one even start planning? I have no idea. I look at dresses online, but I know that I don't need to get one until way closer to time. I can at least wait until this fall, so that more will hopefully be on sale. We're trying to keep this a fairly simple process. But I'm far from being a simple person, so who knows how that is going to go.

Pretty much, I'm just excited about forever with my best friend, and the ceremony isn't the most important part. Life is. Life with him. I'm one lucky girl.

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!

SEAN PROPOSED TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ok, now that I've got that out of my system...we were sitting on my futon, and he was looking at me, and told me that I was his very best friend and that when he realized he knew it was time that he...and then I hugged him crying.

He already had the ring open, and I was speechless. After a few minutes I said yes, and then we just sat there for a few minutes. I had no clue it was coming. He had been planning it since around Christmas.

I'm just going to say that I never could have imagined that I would meet someone so perfect for me, let alone get the chance to marry him. He knows what I need and is just the best guy ever. Pretty much, I can't wait to become Elizabeth Snyder!!

Claire

I'm just going to say that Claire is a fighter. They weren't able to do all that they wanted to with her surgery, and then she started bleeding out and almost died. The surgeon was able to restart her heart though. That was late Thursday night. Now, she's awake and wanting to be held and breathing some on her own, and she's pink!! Praise God.

...

Life. Do we really realize how blessed we all are to have a life, and to be fairly healthy for it? My cousin Claire is having the first of many heart surgeries today. Johnny and Sonia adopted her in November from China. She's a cute little girl who deserves the best, but is just not healthy. She was born with a rare heart defect. If this surgery did not take place, doctors believe she wouldn't make it another year. As it is, the surgery is still risky.

I was thinking about this earlier. I've been really blessed to never have any major health scares. Sure, I've been sick, but never anything truly life threatening. But then, when I look at my family, I see the risk I am at later in life. I have to do something about that. I have to stay healthy, because I have so many things I want to do in life, things that I want to experience. Even if I don't develop some of these issues until later in life, I don't want to be stopped.

I just want to live, and experience all that I can in life!!

Community

What exactly is community? It's a question that I've thought about a lot in the last few days. Seriously...what is it? I know that in the most literal sense that most people think of, it's the same area a person lives in with the people around them. And that's true. But thinking about it from a Res. Living standpoint, it's the interactions between people in that common living area. For example, the interactions between the residents on my hall.

The problem is, I'm not totally sold on that kind of definition. The more I think about community, the more I realize that it isn't just about the area one lives in, or about the interactions between people. I think community is more about a way of life. It's the helping each other out, being there for each other. It's not just about being neighbors. It's not about having meaningless small talk. It's about the bonds that form between people.

I think organizations can have communities. I think people that don't even live near each other can be part of a community. I know I'm part of several of them. I have my home church. Elkin Valley is such an amazing place. I have my BSU community. I have some great friends there. I've seen forums online in which the members have formed their own special communities, because they all understand each other in regards to some aspect of their lives.

So, I guess my point is that community is an abstract more than it is a concrete concept. What do you think it is?