God, why?

God,

I know I shouldn't ask why. I should just trust that all things happen in your time. I should just believe that Lori had accomplished all she had to here on earth. I should rejoice that another one of Your daughters has been called home.

But I can't right now. It's not that I'm angry with you, God. No, it's that I'm mad that I hadn't kept in touch with her. That it had been months since I told her I loved her. I'm upset that she had to die so far away from her parents.

I know she got to see them for Christmas. And I'm so glad she got that chance to go home. She loved Africa so much. And that love will live on through all the people she has touched, that may one day go there. I know she's touched me God. I feel like I'm rambling, but it's just so hard to have coherent thoughts right now.

It just hit me. I know I posted a blog about her a little while ago, but it didn't seem real then. It wasn't until I looked at her myspace page and "Bride" was playing. She did so much God, but there were so many things I know she wanted to do. Yet, I can't be mad, because she is now eternally YOUR bride. She's dancing and singing and in Your presence. I just don't understand.

She wanted to make a difference. I know she did, because she touched me, and so many other people I know, but God, she wanted to work with kids, with families. And I'm finding it hard to understand why, in the last few weeks, I've felt like that was what I should be doing. Is it that you mean for me to pick up where she left off? Because I don't have the spirit that she had. She knew how to love like Jesus. I'm still struggling with that.

But God, I think about a line in Kelly's song: "Only God fully knows, all that we can be. ALL THAT WE CAN BE." God, thank You for letting Lori be all that she could be. For the impact she had on my life. For the chance to see her love, and to be loved by her. For the chance to love her. And for helping me to be all that I can be.

God, please protect her family while they try to get here. I can't imagine what it must be like for her parents, to be in Africa and trying to come home. Or for her sisters. Her neices and nephews. Her extended family. Her friends at school. Help them to remember that, while we don't understand why, that You do. And that she's with You right now. Praising you for eternity.

I loved her God, and I always will.

Amen.