just thoughts

So, that last post was 100% random. Suffice to say, all that it was about is a non-issue now, so I'm not even worrying about it. Things still might change, but as of right now, they won't.

Sean and I are now less than a year away from forever (364 days!). I've decided I like saying it like that, versus just saying that the wedding is in a year. Because in my mind, it's not about the ceremony. It's about the commitment we make to stand beside each other 'til death do us part.

It's the last week of summer school. I'll get 3 days at home before I have to come back. I'm excited about it ending, but I'm also sad. It's been great getting to see Sean every day. It's going to be really hard when he's in Asheville next year.

I'm still worried about finding a job. I plan to talk to some of my profs at the beginning of the semester and see what they recommend. I'm not even sure when I need to start applying for them.

The end.

So much to think about...

I've got so much going through my head right now. I really just don't know what to do. Am I ready? Is it feasible? Can I handle all the extra stress that comes with it? How would we afford it? Housing. Insurance. Cars. What would the deal with time be? I really just have no idea. I'm being vague. Welcome to my head. I know what I'm talking about. I'm just not comfortable putting it out there in internet world where people may stumble across it yet. I don't know what to do. I want it. I really do. With everything I have. But there's a rational side of me saying the timing could be better. But is that because the timing is different than what I expect? Is it because I'm just nervous? I don't know. What's the best way to solve it? And I need a job. I really worry if I don't have one. I want to know that I can support me. Us. I want to start with the least amount of stress possible. I want to have time to relax, to breathe. I don't want to rush things. I want to have family support. But I want what you want. I want us. I want peace about it. I wonder if my apprehension is only because it's not what was planned. If it's because it's not what I had pictured. I really just don't know what to do.

And in all honesty, I think my head might just explode because I'm thinking so hard about it. I need to escape. I need to curl up in a little ball and just think about what we're doing. If it's right. If it's time.

Because my heart says I'm ready. My head says I'm not. Which one am I supposed to listen to?

Too much to think about. Way too much.

Kind of down

This is more of a vent/complaining type of entry, so be warned. Ok, good.

So, today is check-out/check-in for summer school. We're right between sessions, so it's been pretty crazy. I've been working since 8:45 this morning, and my lunch break was down the hall. I cooked it so I wouldn't have to leave the building. The guys are both busy with internships and stuff during the day, so they've not been here. The other girl I work with didn't get here until between 12:30 and 1, because she had an exam. Which is fine, I totally understand that. Until she peaced out at 5:20, because she was going to eat with her friends. Fine. I don't need to eat. I don't need a break. I'm fine sitting down here all by myself while she goes out and has fun. No big. Right.

I'm exhausted. I'm seriously tired to the point of wanting to go sit and cry. I just want the chance to relax, and not have to sit down here and be all of our jobs. Somehow, I got shafted. But I'm not surprised. I'm pretty sure that she has pretty much no work ethic. I know mine is not where it should be sometimes, but I at least try. And I really try to be considerate of others. That's what bothers me the most. It just doesn't matter to her that I have to sit down here and do her job too. That really just bugs me.

I really don't have anything to say...

...but I'm putting off doing some homework or cleaning my room. Sean had to actually go to class today, so I'm just hanging out until he gets done and we go get some lunch.

So instead of writing about nothing, here's a picture of mom on an elephant statue from our trip to the zoo!

Being at school during the summer is tough. It's super hard to stay motivated to do anything when it's pretty outside, and when you really just want to take a break. Instead, I've been spending most of my time locked up in my room, in the filtered air. I've even started keeping the shades closed so that I can't see outside. It's been a bad summer for my skin. I got all my breakouts under control, and then it flared again. But this time, one of the worst spots was on my eyelid. Do you know how hard it is to go out in public when your eyelid is swollen, red, and itchy? And then the flaking came.

Anyway, that was gross. New subject. Sean and I have started running together. Even if we aren't talking while we do it, it feels good to have that time with him, and to know that we're helping ourselves just as much while we do it. But I have a problem. I hit a mental block at right at a mile every time. I know that's the problem, because my legs don't hurt, I'm not really breathing all that hard. I just shut down. So for the next week, my goal is to just get over this hurdle. And get new shoes when I go home. Mine are not so good, and it's causing me some pain. Great.

Jesus is coming...in a MINIVAN!

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. I just got off the phone with one of the girls from Western that's working at camp; campers come tomorrow for the first time. It was hard talking to her. Hearing about what they've been doing, about the people she's met, about her fears. I've been there. I want to be there. I know that I'm where God wants me this summer, and I know that He has a plan for me, but sometimes I just can't understand why I couldn't go back.

And most of the time, I'm ok. I think about it, and I smile. But talking to Lauren and thinking about it and the people and the campers and the Chapel and everything that just means so much to me hit again. I love camp. I always will. People really can't understand what I mean when I talk about it, because they haven't experienced it. Even I don't have the words to explain it.

I remember back when Sean and I had first started dating, and he was asking me why I worked there. I can't remember what I told him. But I'm sure it was something like this: "Camp is a place where I know I'm with God. I can see Him there in the smiles and tears, laughter and prayers, games and songs, mealtimes and worship. It's a place where I was meant to serve, where I feel most comfortable. It's like going home. It's about being surrounded by girls that understand me. It's about some friendships I made way back in 2004 that will last a lifetime."

And it's over for me. I mean, I may go back as a missionary sometime if God calls me to serve somewhere first, but I know that I'm done going as a staffer. It was a great four years. I just can't believe that it's over. A door has closed in my life. I just have to make sure that I don't get so focused on the shut door that I stop looking at the open window right next to it.

1:30am

It's 1:30 in the morning, and I can't sleep. Seriously. I took a 30 minute nap, but that shouldn't have done this to me. I blame it on the cookie and milk. I've really been trying to get my body out of this habit of snacking at night, but this cookie was equal to probably 4 normal ones. Sean, Ryan, and I ate a roll of cookies by ourselves. I had a quarter of it. So I think I'm just on a sugar rush.

Problem is, I'm getting up in the morning to run. I went once this week. I should have gone more, but I really think my legs aren't used to the hills yet. That sounds stupid, but I've got the pain in my shins that I get at the beginning of every semester, or every camp season. It just takes my body some time to get readjusted to the movement and the angles. But I'm going in the morning for sure. I need the de-stress time. I've realized that when I run, I really don't think much about anything. And the other day, I really wanted to stop and walk, but I didn't let myself. I know that I can run a mile easy, and can do more if I push. So wanting to walk for a minute just wasn't going to cut it. I have to psych myself up.

I did 5 push-ups tonight. That sounds like such a measly number, but it's a big deal for me. They weren't modified. In January, I couldn't do any. At all. Modified or not. And I've not been very diligent about practicing them. But I'm trying. Even if I don't go to a police academy, or BLET, at least I know that I'll be more fit. Something has finally clicked in me that I can't get by like this anymore. It's fine now, but it will lead to a lot of problems for me down the road if I don't get off my butt and get in shape.

So I guess I'm going to try to go to bed now. After I try for 5 more. What can I say? I think I've finally got the fitness bug. Now I just have to keep myself motivated.