My last few days...

You can find out all about my last few days here: www.chooseyethisday.blogspot.com

Sonia should be posting some pictures and stuff too when she gets home (hopefully they'll be home tomorrow). And I can post more later...but now, it's bedtime for me!

It's really over...

Today everyone went back to school, except me. I sat at Sean's instead (he didn't have class, for whatever reason). It's funny, the moment that really made it real that I wasn't going back, was being passed by people on the interstate who were heading back to campus. I recognized their parking tags. The same tag that I took down after graduation.

I almost broke down, but I held back. It's going to happen soon though. There are just too many changes going on in my life right now, and I've been holding it together for way too long. I know I'll feel better if I just have a good cry, but I don't want to. I want to wait until I'm alone. I don't want sympathy. I just want to cry out all this stress and change, and then move on.

It's hard though, getting messages from everyone telling me how much they miss me. It's hard being invited to BSU events and knowing that I can't go (this time). It's hard knowing that I'll go home tomorrow and still won't know exactly what I'll be doing. It's just hard being in limbo. Frankly, it sucks.

I just feel lost. I always have a plan. I always have. That's what I do. I plan things. And right now, the next six weeks are super up in the air right now. I know Sean and I can live in this trailer if we need to, but we would rather not. It's not exactly the greatest place in the world. But I can't start looking for a place and move in until I find a job. And that's a scary thought. Sometimes I wish I could just see into the future for a little while. Then at least could stop worrying about when things will start falling into place. I know I just have to trust God and His timing, but it's hard to have faith. Sure, I can stay with my parents, but I still feel homeless. I'm more of a guest there now. I just want to start living my life, on my terms. I just don't know when I'll reach that point, and I hate that feeling.

Wedding plans

I've had a couple people ask how all the wedding plans are going, and this seemed like the best place to share!

• Sean and I have finished our counseling sessions with Johnny, and now we just have to meet with him to plan out the ceremony.
• Beth has found a pianist, and Justin has agreed to handle the music for us.
• All the groomsmen (7) and bridesmaids (3) have agreed to stand with us.
• The girls are wearing black dresses of their own choosing, and the guys are wearing black suits.
• Nearly all the invitations have been mailed; the ones that haven't I'm still waiting for addresses.
• Folks at church are handling the reception; one lady is in charge of decorations, and another is fixing all the food.
• Plans are underway for the rehearsal dinner. We're having a chicken stew.
• Sean is supposed to be finding an inn or b&b for our honeymoon.
• We've got a photographer.
• I met with the florist today to get my bouquet and Sean's boutonniere taken care of. Mom made the bridesmaids' bouquets and my aunt is doing the boutonnieres for all the men.

Pretty much all that's left is the cake. We're doing cupcakes, so I just need to ask the lady who I want to make my cake if she wants us to buy them and her decorate, or her do it all. Other than that, all that I really care about is that I'm marrying my best friend. All the little details are just extras.

As for other stuff, my colors are black and white with sage green accents. The vibe is hopefully going to be simple and relaxed yet classy.

Too long

Wow...too long since my last post. A lot has happened, so I'll just bullet it all out. I know that's probably the lame way to blog, but it'll work for now. I hope to get more focused in the near future, and actually have some time and motivation to post.

• Graduation--December 13, 2008. It's official. I managed to complete a BS in Criminal Justice and Sociology with a minor in Spanish in 3.5 years. I worked my butt off (haha...I know, I didn't have one to work off...), but I did it. It meant hard semesters and summer school, but at least I did it.

• I had my first job interview. It was in the admissions office at Western. I'm still waiting to hear back from them. Regardless of whether or not I get it, I feel good about it. I know that I gave it my all, and I went in there without any kind of apprehension.

• My great-grandmother died 5 days before Christmas. She was 88 years old, and had lived a good life. Her body just couldn't keep up anymore. There was some family drama surrounding it all, but we all got through it.

• Christmas 2008. My last Christmas single. How crazy to think about. It was good though; it's so fun to watch the younger kids grow up. And for the first time, I got promoted to the adult table. It only took me 21 years to get there!

• New Year's 2009! It's hard to believe another year has passed, and all the changes that have taken place. This time last year, Sean and I were kind of talking about marriage, but we were planning to wait until we were both out of school. Then he proposed in February, and we're getting married in less than 2 months now. Crazy.

• I've managed to read 10 books in the last 3 weeks or so: Serena, The Imposter, The Funhouse, The Replacement, Eyes of Darkness, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, and Fiesta Moon. Apparently I've been starved for the written word. I love having time to read. It makes me happy inside.

• I'm really focused on running now. I've done 10 miles in the last week, and have never felt better. I can't wait to see the improvements I can make in the next year, as well.

So that's what's been going on. I know I'm a boring person, but that's ok. That's just me!

The final one...

Tonight was my final BSU as an undergrad student. I know that I can go back next semester and visit, but it won't be the same. The last time singing, the last time being able to hug everyone.

It was harder than I thought it would be. I made it through, but it was a struggle. BSU has been a part of me since the day I moved in. I went down that very first night and helped bake cookies, and met people that I'm still friends with today.

It's hard when you realize that you will soon not have something in your life in the same way anymore. I'm facing that with a lot of things right now, and it's tough. I'm losing a major social role (student), I'm losing physical closeness with friends, I'm losing the home I grew up in.

All these changes are for the best. I know that. But it's still hard when everything is changing all at once, and you don't know what to do. I'll get through. I always do. I just wish I knew where I was going after this.

What a month

What a month November has turned out to be. We have a new president-elect. A black man. Regardless of your stance politically, this is a big deal. I don't know if he'll bring the changes he claims. I don't think he'll turn us into a socialist country. And all that is beside the point. He's already brought change. Obama is the man who has proven to us all that color should not matter. (Although I know that's why some voted for him). He's proven that old white men are no longer the only ones who can lead. That's a good thing.

Western played App State today. It started off like a fantastic game. We were winning 10-7 at halftime. At that point, I think the guys went to the locker room and forgot to leave it. The final score: Western 10, App State 35. Seriously. But at least we got on the board. And at least the guys tried in the beginning. I think in the next couple years, the team will really blossom. This was, after all, Coach Wagner's first season.

Sean and I are now in the double digits for the wedding countdown. Every night, I lay in bed and think about the fact that I'm one day closer to falling asleep next to him. (Notice I didn't say in his arms; he's informed me that he won't cuddle when sleeping!) And waking up next to him. And knowing that when something goes on in my life, that he's there to share the joy or pain. I won't have to call him and tell him through the phone or the computer. So much closer to hugging him every day. Kissing him every day. (Ok, I know that we may not spend every single night together of our entire marriage. But I'm imagining right now, thanks).

Mainly, I'm just ready to start my life with him. I know I sound like a broken record, because I say that every time, but it's because it's true. He's my best friend. The one I can tell anything to. The one who knows how I feel, just by looking at me. The one who wants to raise a family with me. The one who tells me he's looking forward to a lifetime together.

I'm so grateful to have found a man like that. One who understands that being engaged isn't just something you do. He's told me repeatedly that he saw proposing as a step toward forever, and he wanted that forever to come soon. It's so amazing to be loved by a man who wants to move up the wedding, just because he doesn't want to not be together any longer than he has to. To be loved by a man who wants a family. To be loved by a man who knows what he wants.

My goodness; I don't know how I got so lucky on my first try. I can't even express how lucky I am that I have only given my heart to one man, and it's Sean. I saw so many friends fall in "love" with people in high school and college, then get their hearts broken. I'm so thankful that God guarded my heart for 18.5 years, until the time was right for Sean and I to fall in love. I'm so thankful that He placed in my life the perfect man for me.



Anyway, there's my spiel for another long duty night. I like how it started out about random stuff, but my thoughts always go back to Sean. Welcome to my head. Is it February 28th yet?

snow

Here's a new little something I did! It's an old picture, from freshman year, but I still like it.

I'll have a new post up soon! Promise!