It's really over...

Today everyone went back to school, except me. I sat at Sean's instead (he didn't have class, for whatever reason). It's funny, the moment that really made it real that I wasn't going back, was being passed by people on the interstate who were heading back to campus. I recognized their parking tags. The same tag that I took down after graduation.

I almost broke down, but I held back. It's going to happen soon though. There are just too many changes going on in my life right now, and I've been holding it together for way too long. I know I'll feel better if I just have a good cry, but I don't want to. I want to wait until I'm alone. I don't want sympathy. I just want to cry out all this stress and change, and then move on.

It's hard though, getting messages from everyone telling me how much they miss me. It's hard being invited to BSU events and knowing that I can't go (this time). It's hard knowing that I'll go home tomorrow and still won't know exactly what I'll be doing. It's just hard being in limbo. Frankly, it sucks.

I just feel lost. I always have a plan. I always have. That's what I do. I plan things. And right now, the next six weeks are super up in the air right now. I know Sean and I can live in this trailer if we need to, but we would rather not. It's not exactly the greatest place in the world. But I can't start looking for a place and move in until I find a job. And that's a scary thought. Sometimes I wish I could just see into the future for a little while. Then at least could stop worrying about when things will start falling into place. I know I just have to trust God and His timing, but it's hard to have faith. Sure, I can stay with my parents, but I still feel homeless. I'm more of a guest there now. I just want to start living my life, on my terms. I just don't know when I'll reach that point, and I hate that feeling.