It all started in the hospital. Peter screamed his whole first night, and I couldn't get him to latch. I had a nurse (from staffing pool) who kept telling me to let her know if I needed help, but never actually helped at all. She actually offered me formula. I requested a pump. (Keep in mind this was a WHO-designated Baby-Friendly hospital). I met a lactation consultant the next day before we went home, and was informed that I have large nipples, and would probably always have to pump on the left side.
Things didn't get easier. I kept pumping, and Peter had a bottle of formula at three days old. He had lost 14% of his birthweight. Certain family members kept insisting formula would be the best thing for him (and still do). I cried. A lot. And continued pumping and occasionally using formula for his whole first month of life. There were many tears on my part, because I was a failure (in my mind). I just remember telling Sean over and over again that I was a terrible mom, because Peter would have died if born in a different era.
And then, I went back to the WNC Breastfeeding Center. I had an appointment with a fantastic lactation consultant (LC), Crystal. She was wonderful. She helped me get Peter latched, but we realized that he has a high palate. It makes it hard for him to get a good latch, and he needed a little help. Enter the nipple shield. A few herbs to get my supply back up to normal, and we were good to go. Good weight gain, good diapers, easier travels. Life was better. He eventually decided he was done with the shield when he hit 4 months. Just quit using it one day. Life got easier.
Pumping at work is a struggle. I have issues getting more than 11oz a day, even pumping five times. It feels like my name should be Bessie; I'm a freakin' dairy cow hooked up to the machine.
The problem with pumping so little is that he really needs more for the time period (nearly 13 hours/day). Enter feelings of failure again when his weight gain slowed dramatically. Back to the Breastfeeding Center. This time I got to work with Teresa. All the pumping has really hurt my supply. Peter currently gets 6-8oz of formula a day, in addition to feeding directly and getting my pumped milk. While he has been meeting all of his developmental milestones, he just hasn't been gaining. Supplementing helps. Cue more tears.
I'm coming to terms with the fact that I really have fought long and hard for our breastfeeding relationship. I refuse to give up on it. I have more herbs to take as well as domperidone, a drug that boosts prolactin levels and helps increase milk supply. The ultimate goal is to no longer need the formula. But if we do, I think I can be ok with it. I still feed my son the way I desire. I still get to have him look into my eyes and rub my face while he eats. I can go out in public and not need to pack a bottle. I can nourish him, even if he needs a little help.
All that to say, as hard a road as this has been, breastfeeding is one of my favorite parts of being a mom. It's wonderful! (And I still consider myself a breastfeeder, not a combo-feeder. I also still don't like the idea of formula. Just saying. I think it should be a last-resort, not a first choice. And honestly, I would rather use donor milk, but Sean isn't comfortable with the idea at all.)
4 comments:
Hi Miss Liz! I've been thinking about you lately, as we're getting closer to taking the baby plunge and I'm thinking a a lot about balancing motherhood and work. So I was happy to see a post from you pop up in my RSS feed. :) Anyway, just wanted to say hi, and tell you how impressed I am by how you've kept pressing on, even though it's been such a rough road. You are one awesome mom! :)
Nice to read an update from you :-) You're doing an amazing job! Hang in there girlie. Here's hoping things keep getting easier and easier!
Hi, Liz. This is erica812 from the WTTG board. I love this post because I've had a similar experience. Of course, it is a long story, but bascially it comes down to the fact that I really could not make enough milk even with the best information, support, herbs, etc., but because I was committed to breastfeeding, we supplemented some and did not give up. I am a breastfeeding mom. My sons are both breastfed babies. A little formula doesn't change that! In 2008, I became a La Leche League leader, and I have been a speaker at regional conferences. I want mothers to know that breastfeeding is more than a method of giving food. It is a way of mothering, a way of loving. Too many moms give up because they needed to supplement due to physical problems (like mine) or difficulty pumping enough. They think that's the end. I'm so glad that you've embraced nursing as a lifestyle and not just a feeding method. Good for you (and for your little one)!
Rebekah--Where have you been hiding?? I'm so excited that you're getting close to taking the baby plunge! :)
Mel--Thanks! I hope school's going well for you!
Erica--That seriously made me cry at work just now. How could I get involved with LLL when I'm not able to attend meetings? I found an email address for a local leader. Do I just need to email her? I really need to get involved with other moms.
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